you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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