I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
