you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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