I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
