He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
