I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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