mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
