Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
