Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
