my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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