i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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