get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
