I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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