You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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