i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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