ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
