Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
