Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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