never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
not ubering you a puppy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
