winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
