my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
