So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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