A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
