Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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