Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
