i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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