I didn't shave. On purpose
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
