Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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