So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
