You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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