I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
