If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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