My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
