before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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