Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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