Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
