You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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