So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
