I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
