Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
