i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
bring money and cleavage
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
