I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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