Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
