You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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