I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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