im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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