My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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