I think im going to throw up on grandma
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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