i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
