he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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