I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
