the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Welp...herpes.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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